So Near And Yet So Far
by fuckyeahxanthe
Summary: When Karma leaves, Amy is left to reflect on girls weekend. And one conversation in particular stands out…


Blame this quote from Elaine Atwell's recap:

"_As Karma's eyes light up with love and warmth, Amy's go cold. And you know she is imagining the life Karma is narrating, but from a different point of view. She's imagining Karma's wedding, and having to hold herself back when the preacher says "speak now." She's staring down a whole life spent one step away from the thing she wants most."_

_**-SPOILERS FOR S01E05, REMEMBER THE CROQUEMBOUCHE-**_

"When I get married you can be my maid of honour, and you can get a cake from the supermarket for all I care." Karma beamed at her friend, desperately wanting the freshly forming tears in her eyes to dissipate. "And then when you get married I'll be your maid of honour... and lets be honest... i'll probably do a better job." She joked, the smile on her friends face urging her on. Anything to make Amy smile. "And then we'll get houses next door to each other... and we'll grow old together." A statement of fact Karma was whole-heartedly confident in. "And when we're old ladies in our rockers, we'll be like _remember that croquembouche_ and we'll laugh and laugh." The grin on Amy's face lifted Karma's mood. Seeing her friend upset was hard for the brunette. Amy had always been the strong one, but at least in this case she could make her laugh.

"Maybe we should just marry each other." Amy offered, in a not altogether sarcastic response. Her demenor suddenly switched, the light leaving her eyes. "My mom would love that." It seemed the blonde was still suffering under the weight of her mother's disapproval, her fragility only on show for Karma.

"Who cares what your mom thinks." Karma felt the need to condemn the other woman. Her blindness, beyond infuriating. "I'm your family." The words were accompanied by a slight tilt of the head. Uttered with a frank sincerity which had been somewhat lacking in the rest of the conversation. Amy looked up, meeting Karmas intense, yet warm gaze.

"I know." Amy sighed, the declaration bringing more comfort than she knew was altogether appropriate. "And I'm so lucky."

Amy once again replayed the scene in her head. Often unable to sleep, recounting the days events had long been a nightly habit. Amy (who's was not overly confident in her social skills) liked to contemplate the days exchanges as she drifted off. Relaxed, alone and in the serenity that only comes with nightfall, things just made more sense... Or at least that used to be the case. Since Amy had begun her "fake" relationship, time alone with her thoughts had become considerably more... treacherous.

She knew in her head that Karma had had the best intentions. Her little speech - if not oscar worthy - had posessed a strangely naïve beauty. And it was true, the notion of the two girls growing old together was one that very much appealed to Amy. If in an altogether different context...

Amy knew that Liam was only a temporary distraction, the pairs' unique attraction to each other was superficial at best. Once the excitement of dating _the most popular guy in school / unattainable lesbian_ had worn off, Amy was confident they'd part ways. Karma would return to her friend, upset, but not broken, and things would be as they once were.

That, Amy realised, was what she had been not-so patiently waiting for. It was a fantasy she clung to, that with each passing day became less rooted in reality, and slipped further into the recesses of her memory.

_They'd been best friends for 15 years. It had been enough before, it would be enough again. _

Tonight's conversation had shattered that illusion.

The pure idiocity was now quite apparent to Amy. "Of course Karma was going to find someone new! Of course she was going to get married! Get married to _someone else._

What Karma had truly meant as an uplifting account of their future, only served as a stark reminder to Amy of her less than desirable fate. Destined to spend her life within touching distance of the one person she truly loved; watching as her fantasy is played out by someone else; knowing that while Karma was all Amy ever needed, the same could not be said in return.

Amy roll's over, pulling the sheet above her head in some pitiful attempt to block out the thoughts that she cannot abide. Relieved she's alone, Karma having left several hours earlier, she makes no attempt stop the tears as they track down her face. She revels in the oddly comforting sense of numbness they bring with them. Letting the feeling wash over, the tension that has found itself in every recess of her body seems to be eased.

Seeking solace in the tranquil stillness of the night, her thoughts slowly ebbed away to nothing. She lies there, devoid of thoughts and feeling, too exhausted to register the anguish any longer. Eventually sleep claims her, the intensity of the day ultimately catching up with her body. The contortions in her face gradually melt away, the dampness of her cheeks the only visible remnants of her ordeal.

_**fin**_

Once again beta'd by vagitterian :). Feedback would be much appreciated.


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